Make Yourself Unavailable to Toxic Folk
Updated: Feb 14, 2020
How much toxicity can you handle?
Of course, tolerance for toxicity is relative to each person, however, you have to decide when it's time for distance or a cut out of your life all in one. Those lines vary from person to person. For example, your sister will probably get more leeway than a neighborhood friend, but everyone’s sister and friends are different, and everyone has different thresholds.
Whether it's a friend or family member, you don't owe anybody an apology for taking care of YOU. Make peace with your decision.
Toxic people are dangerous. They are dangerous to our inner peace and they’re dangerous to our self-esteem. The most dangerous thing about them, is that they can slide their way right into our inner circles. The true secret to growth in this life is learning how to identify them and detach them from our journey to happiness.
Here are a few classic signs of toxic people:
1. Toxic people try to control you. So check it, people who aren’t in control of their own lives tend to want to control yours. The toxic look for ways to control others, either through mind games or subtle manipulation.
2. Toxic people disregard your boundaries. If you’re always telling someone to stop behaving a certain way and they only continue, that person is more than likely toxic. Respecting the boundaries of others comes naturally to well-adjusted adults. Toxic mofos thrive on violating you.
3. Toxic people take more than they give. Give and take is one of the top pillars of true friendship. Sometimes you need a hand, and sometimes your friends need a hand, but in the end it evens out. Not with toxic folk. They often take what they can get from you, as long as you’re willing to give it.
4. Toxic folk are always “right.” They’re going to find ways to be right even when they’re not. They rarely (if they ever) admit when they’ve messed up, miscalculated, or misspoken.
5. Toxic people aren’t honest. I’m not talking about white lies, I’m talking about blatant and repeated patterns of dishonesty.
6. Toxic people love to be victims. The victims of everything wrong the world. They seek to find ways to feel oppressed, put down, and marginalized in ways they clearly are not. This might take the form of excuses, rationalizations, or blaming.
7. Toxic people don’t take responsibility.
Part of the victim mentality comes from a desire to avoid responsibility. The world is always against them, they couldn't possibly be responsible for their choices and/or actions.
The Cut Off
Cutting toxic people out of your life can blow up in your face. It’s super important to remove toxic people from your life in a healthy and rational way.
So how do you go about removing toxic people from your life and reclaiming the time and energy you’ve been giving them?
Accept that it might be a process. Getting rid of toxic elements is not and will not be easy. They don’t respect your boundaries now, so it’s likely they won’t respect them later. They might come back even after you tell them to go away. You might have to tell them to leave several times before they finally do. So keep in mind that distancing yourself is a gradual process.
Don’t feel like you owe them a huge explanation. Any explaining you do is more for you than for them. Again, tell them how you feel, which is a subject not open for debate. Or, if you prefer, keep it simple: Tell them calmly and kindly that you don’t want them in your life anymore, and leave it at that. How much or how little you tell them is really up to you. Every relationship requires a different approach.
Talk to them in a public place. It’s not unheard of for toxic people getting physically upset. If you run into problems, you can just get up and leave. If need be, have a friend on stand-by. Don't go alone if you don't feel comfortable. Don't go at all, if it feels unsafe.
Block them on social media. Social media makes distancing more difficult, so don’t leave any window open for them to contact you. You’ve set boundaries. Stick to them.
Don’t argue — restate your boundaries. Don't let toxic people pull you into the dynamic of arguing or fighting after saying your truth. In the event they do escalate, make a promise with yourself to avoid an argument. Firmly restate your boundaries, then end communication. You’re not trying to “debate” the person into leaving you alone. This isn’t a negotiation. However, make it less and less attractive for them to keep bothering you. Do not feed the traps!
Toxic folks can show up in our lives, as friends, as boy/girlfriends, as co-workers or family members. Each method begins with the same step, acceptance.
While people can change, they often don’t. We might think that we can change a person or circumstance, but we can’t and it’s not healthy to do so. Toxic people rarely change and toxic relationships never do. Broken people are broken and no one can fix them but themselves. The sooner we come to accept this, the sooner we can move on to cutting these people out of our lives.
Sometimes, it's not two sides to a story. Sometimes, there is only one. Know your story and make yourself the hero of it by accepting nothing less than what you deserve in this life. No relationship is worth destroying and diminishing the light that shines within us! Okay!!!!!!
Know how to walk away when the time is right. You got this!
Thanks for reading,